I’m always trying to be healthy but the so-called experts aren’t making it easy. There are so many competing philosophies about what is and isn't healthy that I find it all really confusing. But since the pool opened this weekend and I know I’m not alone in the desire to look good in a bathing suit, I’d like to share my list of things I know for sure about eating healthy.
· Anything white is very bad. Except potatoes if they have the skin on. And only before 2 p.m. And only if topped with raw broccoli.
· Chocolate is bad. No wait, it’s good as long as it’s dark.
· Nuts are good. And since chocolate is good, then I’m pretty sure peanut M&Ms are health food.
· Milk is bad and no one over the age of two needs it. But low fat dairy is good and high fat Greek yogurt is good. I’m still trying to figure that out.
· Red meat is bad. I think. But isn’t that what our caveman ancestors ate? So it was good then but it’s bad now? I think it’s probably bad if I buy it on sale at Kroger but it’s good if I pay $8.00 a pound at Whole Foods.
· Juice is bad because it’s better to eat the whole fruit. But fruit juice is better than soft drinks. Soft drinks, especially the ones with high fructose corn syrup, are from the devil. Diet drinks aren’t necessarily from the devil but probably from his demons. They are both evil and must be avoided at all costs.
· Donuts are bad. Very bad. You must never eat them because they are comprised of all white stuff. Therefore, I only eat the chocolate ones. Dark chocolate is healthy; ergo, chocolate donuts are healthy
· Soy is bad. Wait, it’s good. No, I think it’s actually bad as of this week. Check back in because I swear its badness or goodness changes from week to week.
· Smoothies are good because you can cram kale and other greens in there and hardly notice the taste. If you’re really virtuous, you can use things like coconut milk and rice milk and then it’s over-the-top healthy but tastes like crap. Chocolate ice cream, bananas and peanut butter that isn’t “natural” are not acceptable smoothie ingredients and if they catch you using them, the smoothie police will render harsh punishment.
At this point, I think there are two options. Option one is to go on the see food diet. If you see food, just don’t eat it. Option two is to spend a lot of time in the sun because tanned fat looks better than white fat.